#19: On Love and Life

You're not perfect, but that's not a requirement for anything.

I meant to send this yesterday, but then I spent my evening watching The Woman King. Blame it on being a perfectionist, I didn’t want to send you a half-baked letter, so I decided to fill my love tank. Wam needs a break sometimes too. Here’s to Note #19.

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I love the number 19. Maybe it has to do with the fact that it’s my birthdate, my husband’s and my son’s. But it’s always been special to my heart, and so is this note.

There’s something pure about kindness and love. And I don’t mean gbas gbos type of love where you’re chasing after someone and they’re being shitty, mean or even abusive (uhn uhn).

I’m talking about kindness to others and self-love.

As I have found, self-love is a dynamic concept. It doesn’t always come easy, because we often forget that we’re deserving of our own love. What’s more, loving self is the easiest way to love others and treat people kindly. No wonder the Bible says, Love your neighbour as yourself.

I wasn’t always the kindest person. I wasn’t unkind, but you couldn’t peg me as a kind person. Long and short of it is that I was largely self-centred. All of that changed when I moved to Athens for my one-year MBA in 2017/2018. Here I was in a new place, stripped of everything that I had once attached so much importance to. In Greece, it didn’t matter that I had lived in one of the choice parts of Lagos, or that I used to work as a consultant at a Big 4, or that I drove a car (my clunky “RiRi”. Called it Riri for Kia Rio), or even my name, well, surname.

Starting life over in a foreign country was a complete mind shift. It not only helped me see people differently, it helped me see myself differently. As I got kinder to people, I felt more in tune with myself. And for the first time I saw myself, for who I was and the better version I needed to become, so I spent time with myself.

When I reflect now, I see how important me-time helped me grow. Don't get me wrong, it's great to put yourself out there, network, meet friends, make friends, etc. But it's equally important to spend time with you. Spend time knowing you, the inner you, spend time learning your strengths, your weaknesses, spend time learning what you like/don't like. Spend time reflecting on your past, present, and future. You’re not a furniture, you’re evolving, so spend time dating yourself.

On loving others, it’s easy. Try to treat people the way you want to be treated. It’s not always easy, hence the emphasis on try. Recently, I’ve been learning and unlearning about unconditional love. You know it’s pretty easy to like/love someone that acts according to your expectation, but what about when they’re not. Here’s something I’ve learned - Loving someone doesn’t mean always agreeing with them. Loving someone about the person and not what they do. So try to be the person who gives love.

On loving self, I’d have to say practice. Give yourself room. Give yourself grace. Make time for you. Be kind to yourself.

You're not perfect, but that's not a requirement for anything.

Practice loving yourself, it’s the easiest way to love others.