Note #21

I don't know what I'm doing

“I don’t know what I’m doing with my life/career.”

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That was me in 2015.

Wailing and sobbing in a meeting room with my manager as to why my life was “over”. At the time, I had just changed jobs from Audit to Advisory in a Big 4 firm and I was struggling to get by in the Advisory unit. It got me so worried, got me feeling sorry for myself, and got me dejected, constantly wondering if I even knew where I was headed. Of course I didn’t. And that was okay (but I didn’t know that then).

7 years later, and my career and life have taken quite the trajectory I could never had imagined. For one, I had imagined I’d be in the advisory/consulting career for a while. 2 years in, and I quickly realized I wanted more. What more meant at the time I didn’t even know. But going through that “wailing episode” had taught me to get comfortable with uncertainty.

Femi (my former manager) was right.

“It’s okay to be confused, it’s okay not to know what to do or go about something for now.”

A couple weeks ago, I had the same thought: I don’t know what I’m doing.

This time, there was no breakdown, no beating myself up, and no feeling sorry for myself. It was a time to unravel.

I started to dig deeper to understand why I was feeling that way.

Was it because of Lagos traffic, a routine that didn’t go as planned, motherhood struggles or because my work was shitty. As it turns out, my work was not shitty and I wasn’t a bad mom, but I was getting burned out. With barely any time left for me to love on me, I started to feel like I didn’t know what I was doing.

I figured out my trigger points and made some adjustments including cancelling external Monday meetings and toning down TV time to make some time for my son and I to bond (actually just a quick hack to get him to sleep early, so I can have me-time. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t).

The truth is when we start to feel uncomfortable about ourselves, it’s because there’s a longing to find new meaning. Sometimes rephrasing the question can help.

For instance, if you’re worried about work, ask yourself “I don’t know if this is what I’m meant to be doing.”

Worried you’re not making any impact outside of work, ask yourself “How/who can I help with my personal/professional knowledge.”

Worried about the future, remind yourself how far you’ve come and ask yourself “What does happiness mean to me.” “How can I do better today.” “Of what good will my worry do?”

There’s a song my then manager, Femi, recommended to me. It got me through that difficult time and I hope it does same for you. It’s an old song but the lyrics would never get old, here goes Sunscreen.

Next time you start feeling sorry for yourself and thinking you haven’t “achieved” anything or you don’t know what you’re doing, remind yourself it’s okay not to know everything.

Just focus on your sphere of control. The future is only as good as what you make of today.

Today’s note to self is from Mel Robbins:

“It’s not just you. No one knows what they’re doing. Everyone is just figuring it out as they go along, including me.”