OG#42: Stop Blaming Yourself

For How Things Turn Out

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Picture this: you're a parent finally getting a night of uninterrupted sleep, so you wake up feeling elated.

Sweet freedom!

Your toddler has slept through the night in his bed. His bed!

You're on cloud nine, so energized that by 3 am, you're already planning your work day, creating content, and mapping out your schedule. Come 6 am, you're still wide awake, doing your morning devotion, and by 7:30 am, you're off to the gym, full of energy.

Then, the unimaginable occurs.

Mid-workout, you accidentally roll a 30kg barbell over your phone, breaking the screen of your phone (a new phone).

Cue the internal dialogue:

"What were you thinking?

How could you be so careless?

What is wrong with you?

Account balance!"

As you drive home, you find yourself lamenting to your husband, who happens to be an expert in dealing with broken phone screens. Throughout the day, you struggle to calm down, replaying the incident over and over in your mind. Even holding your phone becomes a source of frustration.

Later that evening, while tidying up your child's toys, you accidentally spill water from his cup on the console. This time, your reaction is different.

And that reaction prompts a reflection on your response to the phone incident and leads to two key realizations:

1. Empathy can be Learned

Look, I’ve never had a broken phone screen.

Maybe I’m careful or maybe I’m lucky, but I was definitely judgmental whenever it happened to someone around me. I remember my look the first time it happened to my husband and when I think about his reaction to mine, I realise I could have done better. He just knew what to say and how to say it.

One of my biggest weaknesses is not being able to completely empathise with someone until I have had a personal experience. Now, I’ve learned that empathy doesn't require personal experience with a particular situation. Instead, it involves being open-minded, attentive, and sensitive to others' emotions and experiences, regardless of whether you've directly experienced them yourself.

Empathy can indeed be learned.

Big shoutout to my trainer as well for holding me down, she has a special place in my heart for her kindness.

2. Practice Extending Self-Grace

How did our parents/guardians/older ones react when we broke something - a plate, a cup, etc?

If it was critical, it might be time to unlearn that.

Our self treatment is rooted in learned behaviors from childhood. Sometimes, we’ve internalised that critical reaction so bad that we think that’s how to treat ourselves too. 

You spilled water, food, flunked an interview, missed a deadline, missed a bus, unknowingly delayed a person and so much more. 

What language are you telling yourself?

Your reaction is just as important, so be kind to yourself.

Recognize that mistakes happen, and extend yourself the same grace you'd offer to others.

It’s been a few days since the phone screen incident and I’ve gradually made peace with the situation. I can now hold my phone and see the broken screen without feeling angry at myself.

In a few weeks/months, I’ll eventually replace the screen or the phone and forget all about this incident. But if I’ve treated someone wrong they probably won’t forget. 

Take responsibility for how things turn out but don’t blame yourself.

Have you recently broken a device (phone, laptop, etc)? Let’s hug it out.